Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Eclipse. A Review.

Lunar EclipseImage by bcmom via Flickr
Cory went with a bunch of his friends to see Eclipse (that Twilight movie) last night because they got free passes to the pre-screening.  He posted this review on facebook, and I loved reading it so much I just had to share:

Well, as a straight man, i had my... issues with going to see this new twilight film.

"Twilight? isn't that a time of day?"
"no, no, no. It's a MOVIE based off of a book."
"So it's a movie about astronomy?"
"nope Vampires."

See. Vampires. Great.
Now don't get me wrong, I love a good Vampire book. Lots of violence, even more violence, and an ancient feel. Or in the case of Vampire books by Christopher Moore, Hilarity.
But what I don't like are bastardized Vampires. and Oh goodness gracious these Twilight Vampires? Abominations.

First Off, I want my vampires to have Fangs. Two sharp pointy fangs.
do these "twilight" vampires have fangs?

Secondly. I don't want my vampires to Sparkle.
Twilight vampires sparkle. making them... useless.

Thirdly. Honestly I don't really want to go on. So I won't.

Oh yeah, right. the movie.

It starts out with a guy walking in the rain. and then something steals his backpack, and he's all like.
"omg, no. my backpack."
and then. he gets bitten.
on the hand.
by something RUNNING past him.
I still don't get how that worked.
But anyways. He turns into a vampire.

then we have the whole. Bella Swan narration.
"my life sucks. I want to sparkle with Edward."
It was really awkward, I mean you had these beautiful shots of mountains and sunrises over the mountains, and it's ruined by. Emo-ness.
And then, Edward and Bella are making out in a field of flowers.
I honestly think at least Half of this film was kissing. and awkward creepy kissing at that.

no thank you.
The whole film is based around this one big upcoming plot point. something about some vampire chick, Victoria, coming to kill Bella.
Something to do with Edward killing the only person she ever loved or something. some shirtless guy named James.
But if i remember correctly. people told me that this vampire named Alice ripped off this Shirtless guys head. so. whatever.

So basically, Victoria wants to kill Bella. so she makes all these new vampires. and they're all.
and this other guys is all. screaming at them and stuff.
and then Dakota Fanning is on the roof.
and then she vanishes.
So all these Newborn vampires walk underwater from Seattle, to Forks. so apparently they're just on opposing sides of a lake or something. Don't ask me. I don't even know.

And then the "werewolves" who are some chubbyesque tan men, decide to help the Cullen Family kill these newborn Vampires.
so they do.

Yeah. that summed up the essential plot.
but then you had the "real plot" as the Twi-hards would call it.
Will Bella Swan pick Jacob?
Or Edward?
So Edward and Jacob argue.
A lot.
Jacob Face rapes Bella with his lips and then she punches him in the face. and breaks her hand.
and we have this big thing going around.
Jacob is convinced that Bella loves him, even though she wont' say it and want's nothing romantic with him.
But apparently she does.
I have no clue. she changes her mind so often it'd just be better for everyone if Edward and Jacob just teamed up and killed her.
so basically, Bella decides to go camping on the top of a mountain, because then she'll be away from the "battle" but it's so cold up there Jacob has to climb into bed with her to keep her warm. while Edward sits and watches.
so that have some man talk while she sleeps, about how they both love her and what not.

The cinematography was crap. the camera shook way too much for my liking. i felt like i was on a boat.
there were also scenes that didn't make sense at all.
like when Bella goes,
"i'm going camping. Jacob, you're shirtless carry me there. that way these newborn vampires wont' be able to follow because your dog stink will cover my sexy smelling blood."
and then he carries her for a bit, like they're going up the mountain.
and then she's back home in her truck.
and then she's back at the battle field smearing her blood everywhere.
and then Jacob AGAIN, carries her to the campsite.
(he's still shirtless mind you. also he didn't change pants throughout the whole film.)

made no sense.


the chick who played Victoria. Was Hot. her face was like. perfect. Deanna agreed. but now i look at pictures of her. and she's not so hot when shes' not a pale redheaded vampire... hmn.

who knows.
All I know is, I'm on "team I don't care about this stupid fad, but I'm glad I went to this prescreening because I laughed at this movie very hard because it was stupid."

What team are you on?

I've only listened to the first book, and I thought it was pretty dumb, so I didn't read any more.  I saw the first movie on the bus to New York, and I thought it was really dumb, too.  If I hadn't listened to the book, I would have had no idea what was going on.  It was so disjointed and random.  But now Beth is reading the books, and Beth is not really a reader, so I'm thinking that I ought to at least give them a try - just because they've gotten Beth to read.  This does not make Cory happy.
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  1. I am going to see this Saturday with my girls. I am one of those moms who got sucked into the books, and I totally agree that if you don't know all of the story, the movies are a little hard to follow. As with every movie made from a book, I prefer the books. But be warned, if you do decide to read, New Moon is the hardest to get through.

  2. Ahahahahahaha He cracks me up! I haven't read the books, haven't seen the movies... don't plan on it either. LOL

  3. First of all, If you would have read the books or at least watched the first few movies, you would have seen that Vampires can do stuff like run by and bite someones hand or really any part of their body. AND if u had watched/read all the books you probably wouldn't have any problem with this movie. Don't hate the movies just 'cause you don't understand WTH is going on. Maybe you wouldn't like it anyways, but you can't hate the one movie without seeing the first two.


I love your comments! Keep them coming.